White Knight
by JuneGilbertVivianRaeven
Summary: Tsunade is lonely. And desperate to escape. She's had enough- she wants to go to the ones she loves. But, as always, a white-haired Sannin is there to remind her that she is still loved. That she still has reason to go on. Even in death, her white knight still shines... Rated T for drunkeness and suicidal, mournful thoughts. Songfic to Getting Away With Murder


**Hey, this is a note for you guys who like Papa Roach and listening to songs during fics. **

**Here's the link to Youtube: watch?v=eqWpKATpZg4 **

**I couldn't do the whole thing with the hyperlink for fear of this getting deleted or ANOTHER critic review, but you can copy and paste in a new tab. Be active while sitting at your computers. Line breaks are lyrics. **

Getting Away with Murder

* * *

**Late at Night, Konohagakure**

I sat on the edge of the Hokage Monument, staring out over the edge. _What would it be like to step over the edge? All it takes is one simple step and I would finally be at peace… _I stared bitterly out, a coughing rasp of a laugh escaping my throat.

I was too chicken to do it. To actually off myself. I gulped down another mouthful of sake from the large bottle. I knew I shouldn't do what I was thinking of, and the sake wasn't necessarily helping matters. I knew full well that booze was usually a depressant. And depressants might push me to step off the edge of this rock. For one thing, those who died before me would be angry with me for wasting the life they had left behind. Me. My vision blurred for a moment, and I had to wonder if I was going mad or it was just the sake taking effect.

I had thought that I would go mad many times after Nawaki and Dan had died, but Jiraiya had always arrived on time to save me from myself. To save me from my pain.

Damn his white knight complex.

_Damn me for depending on it. For being so dependent on anyone, much less a reckless fool like Jiraiya._

I laughed faintly, a thin, high wail against the merciless night. I had spent almost every night up here, despite it being the dead of winter with a war going on. The almost was because Shizune would, periodically, find me and drag me back inside. But I couldn't sleep.

Peacefully, anyway.

After all, I had murdered my only friend left by not stopping him from going on his fatal mission. My body curled over into a ball, leaving me coughing from both the cold and the repressed emotions. I coughed for quite a while in the chill air as I clutched at the sake bottle, the only comfort I had left. Several empty bottles littered the area; I planned to pick them up afterward. Right now I was too deep in my sake to care.

To be truly honest, I was addicted to this type of punishment.

It was the only way I could feel anything anymore, after he had died.

Jiraiya had left me to my madness. I knew it had to happen one day, but I never expected to feel like this. Unable to breathe without knowing he could pop out at me any moment. Barely able to function as a Hokage, barely speaking to my assistants and far less to my ninja. He had laughed when he asked if I would cry for him. He had bet that I wouldn't cry for him as much as I had for Dan.

A twisted smirk came over my lips.

_Jiraiya no Baka, you lose….. Dan's death cracked me. Nawaki's death bruised me. Hell, every death that this war incurs is another dagger to my nonexistent heart. **Children** are dying in this madness. Little children, like you and I once were together. Now I'm the only one left of us, our team; a relic from times gone by. A bitter old woman with a bruised and battered heart that never should have survived the wars she went through. _

_Nawaki died, I shrieked and cried, I threw things, I blamed others, and it felt like I had broken in two. You put me back together afterwards._

_Dan died, I screamed and wept, it felt like my heart was broken for the second time. You put me back together again, even when you weren't really trying. _

_Only your death broke me. I have no one to pick up the pieces but me..._

* * *

I snarled, whirling around and standing upright at the sound of footsteps. I looked into weary blue eyes- not at all afraid of the mad beast in front of him. I withdrew my fist. Naruto was in front of me. _Oh Kami. He already hates me enough as is… Maybe he'll kill me, finally. . . Maybe he'll have the balls to hate enough to kill… But I don't want him to. . . He re lit my fire after so long. . . He made me live again. . . It's only fair that he douses the fire he lighted. . . Kami, I'm pitiful. . ._

"Why are you here?"

"Trying to find you. You went on another sake binge didn't you? Did you even think of what that's doing to Shizune? What if you fell asleep up here and froze to death?! "

Guilt ripped at me. I was so used to it, I barely noticed. Snappishly, I growled, "Why do you care whether or not I freeze to death Naruto?"

I hadn't meant to be so nasty. I only realized that when his eyes blinked, hurt swimming in his bluest of blue eyes as he went silent.

_Kami…. I'm so selfish…. He's grieving Jiraiya's passing as well, _I thought, a humorless add-on popping in _What he said that day made his hatred of me clear enough. I've been hurt enough in my life._

_One more scar and I'll really go off the deep end._

* * *

"I came to find you because Shizune is worried and Genma won't let her out of his sight for even ten minutes! What is WRONG with you?! You're worrying a pregnant woman! That's out of character Granny!"

"DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!" Before I knew what I was doing, I had swung a clenched fist, aiming for Naruto's head. The boy dodged effortlessly, and I swore loudly. The sake, the bottle still gripped tightly in my hand, was affecting my aim. Instead, my punch knocked into a tree and felled it with one hit. I felt an all too familiar sensation start prickling the backs of my eyes. _NO! NOT HERE! NOT IN FRONT OF HIM!_

I snared in rage, whirling as the tears eked out of my eyes anyway despite all my efforts not to let them go. Breathing heavily, I glared around, looking for Naruto. When I spotted him, I almost laughed aloud.

The little baka was standing not three feet away from the massive tree I had just felled, looking stunned. The nausea hit not long after that and I retched, trying not to vomit in front of Naruto. Not to throw up in front of this mini Jiraiya, this boy who reminded me of all my worst fears when all I wanted to do was forget. Forget that there had ever been a Jiraiya, forget that there had ever been a Nawaki or a Dan….

To just fade away into my own madness.

* * *

"You… You tried to hit me…. Why did you try to hit me Granny?"

I sneered bitterly, wiping my mouth of imaginary bile that I knew would come up in a few minutes, "You made your hatred of me quite clear Naruto. Remember what you said the day he died? Do you remember?"

"….. Yes….."

"Well, I took them to heart. I wish he'd been Hokage instead of me. Maybe then the only man who ever understood me wouldn't have died. I should have died in his place, Naruto! Would that make you happy again?! To see me dead like he is? I WISH I WAS DEAD KAMI-DAMMIT," My voice had risen to a hoarse, hysterical scream, "HELL, I HAVE BEEN DEAD SINCE THAT DAY! DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE EACH AND EVERY MAN WHO LOVES YOU RIPPED AWAY FROM YOU? DO YOU? I DO! NO ONE WHO KNOWS THE REAL ME IS LEFT! ALL OF THEM ARE DEAD AND GONE! JIRAIYA WAS THE LAST! HE WAS THE ONLY ONE I L-l-…." I couldn't say the rest.

I caught my breath, hiccupping slightly as Naruto stared at me. He had never seen me act this crazy, probably.

"And you know what," I began, my voice now schooled into calm, "He loved you. Like the grandson he never got to have thanks to his… his caring for me," my voice cracked, "Even around me, he was always nattering on about either you or other women. Mostly you. How you'd made such progress in such a short time, how you mastered this and that technique… He was and still is proud of you."

My voice was a croak by now from all that earlier yelling, "As am I."

Naruto flinched, looking like I had really struck him. He looked away, and I laughed mirthlessly as the exact words rang in my head, the memory of the day shrouded in darkness within my mind. I knew I was cracking up when I saw the scene in my normal eyes shift to that of the memory.

* * *

_"Jiraiya-boy has died in battle."_

_My heart stopped as I heard those words come from Fukasu's mouth, but I knew better than to show it. I knew those words to be true the instant before he spoke. My comrade was no longer in the land of the living._

"_Wh-What are you talking about?" Naruto's voice shook, and a look of disbelief was on his face._

"_I know this is sudden. I don't blame you if you don't believe me," Fukasu said, sadness and almost apology in his tone, "Jiraiya-boy left a message before collapsing."_

_With a quick yank of his brown robes, Fukasu bared his back to us. Burned into the green skin was a series of numbers._

_**9, 31,8**_

_**106.7**_

_**207,15**_

"_This is that message!"_

_Shizune murmured after seeing it, "It's a code…"_

_For a few moments, all was still and silent in the room._

"_Did you… Let him go, Granny?"_

_I remained silent. I just looked at the boy, unable to speak for fear of my voice cracking._

"_That's right," Naruto snarled with venom, "Why'd you allow such a reckless thing?!"_

_I had no answer for the boy._

"_You knew Pervy Sage better than anyone! How could you send him to such a dangerous place, alone?!"_

_Thankfully, Kakashi interceded for me, raising a hand to stop the boy from going for my throat. I wasn't too sure I would or could have done anything to stop him. Not after this. Not after what I had done... or, not done.  
_

"_Enough, Naruto."_

"_Dam it!" The boy turned away from me, fists clenched. He strode for the door, his back stiff._

"_Naruto! Where are you going?!"_

_Ah. Sakura didn't have the sense to leave the boy alone. I didn't feel like stopping the boy from leaving. All I could process was that Jiraiya was dead. _

_It was then he spoke the words that cut the deepest any sort of words ever had into my heart._

"_If Pervy Sage had been the Fifth Hokage… he wouldn't have let Granny Tsunade take such risks. Never!"_

_And then he left._

* * *

"G-Granny Tsunade? Granny Tsunade, are you okay?"

I slapped away the boy's offered helping hand as I staggered away from him and behind a tree to retch. When I finished, I merely tried to catch my breath again. I had dropped the sake bottle at some point during my space out, and I sorely ached for its loss. My harsh, raspy breathing produced clouds in the suddenly unbearably chilly night.

A few feet away from where I had thrown up, I sank to sit down, still out of breath and getting dizzy from the lack of air. At some point, I fell backwards, unable to move. My vision dimmed as I heard Naruto coming around to me, and heard his frantic cries as he tried to revive me. _Will I really end here? Wallowing in my pain? I thought it was impossible for me to get alcohol poisoning… I've drank it so many damn times… I can't be… everything's getting fuzzy… So tired…_

* * *

**A few days later... **

"Momma! Please, wake up… Oh Kami… Mommy…"

I woke fuzzily with Shizune cuddling into my side, weeping uncontrollably. The room was empty and blessedly dark, which explained why she was calling me Mommy. She was too embarrassed to admit that she still called me Mommy after all those years. Which was why she pulled the "Tsunade-sama" crap, beyond the fact she was my apprentice.

I wearily raised a hand, trying to stroke her hair. Shizune squeaked in surprise, her head jerking up to reveal her tear stained face. Then she started babbling a mile a minute, her black eyes bright and relieved. Instead of focusing on her chatter, I gently wiped at her tears and eased myself into a sitting position. Wincing at the throbbing hangover I had garnered, I stroked Shizune's black hair as she cried into my chest. I looked around the room, and my heart nearly stopped when I saw him.

He was frowning at me, obviously quite a bit upset. His arms were folded, both whole and undamaged as I remembered him in life. He shook his white mane, it blowing in a phantom breeze as I stared. He didn't look like he had ever taken those injuries Fukasu had privately described to me.

"_Tsunade…."_

"_I know. Never ever, ever pull this again, right?"_

He smiled, obviously pleased that I had gotten to the point. Then he frowned again, shaking his head irritably.

"_You're getting me off the point Hime…. I'm here to make sure you don't do this again. The Village needs you. Please…" _Jiraiya looked a little upset. I wanted to reach out to him, and but for the crying woman in my lap and the fact that he was probably a figment of my imagination I would have.

"_How do I know I'm not mentally unbalanced? I nearly struck Naruto…"_

"_You were drunk, Tsunade. Pretty deeply so. And upset."_

"_So you don't hate me?"_

"_What for Hime?"_

"_For letting you go…."_

Jiraiya laughed, "_Hime, you know as well as I do that you couldn't have stopped me from going on that mission. Naruto shouldn't have said what he did."_

I smiled sadly, "_It's completely true, you know. That I'm a horrible choice for Hokage."_

"_Don't you dare think that! You take care of the village the best you can."_

"_But I can't save anyone I really care about. What's the fucking use of being a medical ninja or even a damn Hokage if you lose everyone you ever cared about?"_

Jiraiya smiled slightly, sadly- the look in his eyes was a little disturbing for I'd never seen him like that- as he said, _"Hime, you still have Shizune. And no matter how much he hurts you, I know you'll still care for Naruto. And there's always Sakura; you helped her become stronger, and she holds you in a special place in her heart because of it. You still have people to love, Tsunade. People who would be lost without you."_

"_You don't know that! I-I miss you!"_

Jiraiya blinked a moment, confused, and then his eyes saddened briefly, before flicking back to the jovial gleam I'd always secretly liked.

"_Tsuki… You know you'll see me again. All it takes is patience." _

I sighed.

_"You know that's a virtue I was never big on." _

Shizune had stopped crying, and fallen asleep on my lap. I absently petted her black hair. Shizune wasn't showing yet, but she was only two months along. Genma and her had married all of three months ago. I had felt left behind… Incredibly lonely, this feeling. Shizune still tended to go over to my apartment and wake me up when I ended up incredibly late and didn't answer her messenger birds; although, this could have been out of habit. She still cared for me like it was her only reason for breathing- she just had two people to care about now.

Jiraiya chuckled; the familiar sound sweeping my senses like acid. I shivered quietly, looking down. I was unwilling to let him see that my eyes had welled up at hearing his laughter.

"_Tsuki?"_

I actually sniffled at the affectionate childhood nickname he had saddled me with. Besides "flat-chested Tsuade" anyway. I squeezed my eyes shut, but the tears escaped, two thin hot streams dribbling down my cheeks.

"_Oh Tsuki… Don't cry… You're going to set me off…"_

I sniffed, _"G-good! I don't- I-" _That was when I degenerated into full blown crying. I was shaking silently when I felt a gust of wind. Jiraiya had moved over to my bed, sitting beside me. His weight made no impression on the bed as he reached his hand over. I felt something like a breeze pass over me as his big hand smoothed my bangs back from my face. I tilted my face up and felt, rather than saw Jiraiya lean down towards me. On instinct, I tilted my face a little bit. Then, I felt solid lips touch mine.

Jiraiya drew back, his form insubstantial once more and a look of surprise on his face. I smiled faintly as the tears still ran freely down my face.

"_Tsunade?"_

"_I had to do that Jiraiya. So you'd know. I'm sorry I couldn't…"_

"_Save it for when you see me again, Tsuki."_

I nodded wearily. My eyes were compelling me to sleep once more. My tongue felt heavy and dry, like I had cotton in my mouth.

"_Yeah… I.. can't wait… Baka-kun…"_

"_Sleep, Tsuki."_

My eyes fluttered shut.

* * *

I smiled, a little sad that she'd finally told me when it was too damn late. I didn't resent her for it, though. What I did resent was the time limit Kami had placed on me. A little fussily, I straightened the covers around Tsunade's thin form. Even her jutsu was beginning to show the wear and tear she'd experienced after my death. It made me sad to see, even from where I had been, that Tsunade had suffered over me this much.

How I regretted teasing her back then. But it was honestly the only way I knew how to relate to her on some days. That last one being one of **those **days...

I gently patted Shizune's head, knowing she couldn't feel it. She had been such a balm to Tsunade... She didn't even know how many times her master's thoughts of her stayed the kunai that would have ended her life before.

I couldn't help but feel grateful for that. I had always been vaguely fond of the little black haired kid, and the woman now felt like my little sister. Thanks to Tsunade, I had met this kid. A wry smile twisted my lips when I remembered the times I had thought that Shizune was the only good I was getting out of the relationship between my Hime and that idiot. That ended up true. I combed my fingers through Shizune's hair one last time, and murmered, "Don't forget her, ok little one?"

I turned my eyes to the woman who had consumed most of my life. Her face was, for once, peaceful as she slept. I hoped she had escaped her nightmares- for good this time. Fluffing her hair back to reveal the lavender diamond on her pale forehead, I pressed my lips to it. Tsunade shifted, mumbling something in her sleep as I drew back. When she settled down, I smiled a little. Tsunade had always been a hard sleeper, especially when she was this tired. Good thing that she could fight while half asleep, I thought, chuckling good-humoredly.

Leaning down, I placed my lips to her forehead, right on the diamond. Drawing back, I whispered huskily in her ear, "Sleep tight, my Queen..."

And with that, I was called back. Standing up straight, I fixed my eyes on Tsunade, wanting her face to be the last sight of earth I had. Her chest rose and fell evenly, and a slight flutter of regret filled me that I hadn't copped one last feel. I shook my head, _This felt better anyways. Not good to make her mad on the last time she'll see me for a while yet. _As my vision was blackening, I felt an incredible sense of peace.

My love would survive. That was all that mattered...

* * *

**Aww, that was awfully angsty in the beginning :'( And kind of sad near the ending. This will remain a oneshot, no question. I don't think I could write like this again. Too sad. :') Anyways, leave me a review? Please?**

**EDIT: I had to edit this, because of song lyrics... Rules. Bleh. But we have to follow them to post stuff. So I'll deal. **

**Love, hugs, and virtual cookies to reviewers! **

**-June**


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